I came across this over on Pix’s blog and I thought, what the hell, I’ve not done a meme for a while. Admittedly, I’m 31 now so I’ll have remember what my answers would have been like a year ago — although I’ll tell you if anything’s changed in the last year, and It’ll probably also prove to you all how boring I really am, but what the hell!

The original list of questions can be seen on blinman.com and here are my answers…

1. Have a really stupid accident which necessitates a hopsital visit

Nope

2. Shoot something

If air guns count, and shooting tin cans, bottles etc count then yes. I also shot a few people with a soft air gun (which fires small plastic pellets that sting, rather than embed themselves in flesh) when I was a student — but to be fair, they were shooting at me too — and I’ve been paintballing, which involves shooting balls of paint at people.

3. Take a weekend break more than 1000 miles from home

Nope. But I’m not sure I’d fancy all that travelling to be away for just a weekend anyway.

4. Boot Linux on your home PC

In the name of God, why?

5. Get lost in a country where they don’t speak the same language

Does elsewhere in the UK count? Try comparing a Geordie, a Brummie, a Cockney and a Glaswegian accent. There’s more than one language in there!

6. Spend more than your monthly income on a pocket sized gadget

Nope. Spending approximately 10% of my net monthly income on an MP3 player doesn’t really count here, does it?

7. Post bail for a friend

Nope. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have done, merely that the opportunity hasn’t arisen. I must have somehow fallen in with a good lot.

8. Break a really large plate glass window

Close, but no cigar. I’ve broken numerous windows, but that was mostly using the “put a boy and football together and see what happens” theory, and none of them were plate glass.

9. Make a parachute jump on a hangover

I’m sorry, but no. If mankind was designed to leap from the sky in this ridiculous manner, then frankly it was an odd thing to design us for. Plus I’d always have the nagging fear of pulling the ripcord and a sleeping bag appearing.

10. Use a whole roll of gaffa tape in a day

If this is the same thing as parcel tape, then yes. I’ve moved house in the past!

11. Make a pointless modification to your house

Depends on what you mean by pointless. Moving the furniture around when you know you’re going to move it back anyway? Ooh, I know, hoovering. It just gets dusty again, so what’s the point?

12. Neck a pint of peppermint oil

Erm… no. Have you got any sensible questions?

13. Pull a shemale by mistake (but realise in time…)

I don’t think so. If so, it never made it to the stage where I’d need to realise.

14. Buy a samurai sword

Again, why would I want to pay £150 for a samurai sword? It’s not even as if there’s anyone I particularly want to dismember.

15. Delay paying a bill until the summons arrives

Sorta. Well, it was “if you don’t pay it now, we’ll pass it on to a debt collection agency” but that was only because my mail organisation system (leave envelopes in a big pile, assume everything is being paid by direct debit) didn’t work effectively in this case. Fortunately the final letter had nice red colours on it to get spotted.

16. Refill an inkjet cartridge

Yay! I’ve done one. I wouldn’t recommend doing it again, though…

17. Destroy a speed camera

Nope. I’ve got nothing against them. All you have to do, to avoid being caught by them, is not break the law. Simple, really.

18. Say something obscene on national television

Not by the time I was 30, no. And still not yet. I wouldn’t entirely rule it out though, it might be a laugh.

19. Do a J turn in order to beat someone to a parking space

Probably not. What’s a J turn?

20. Break a sledgehammer

Nope, sorry.

21. Make a bomb

Nope. Not that it would be a good idea to admit that even if I had, wouldn’t it? Why, certainly Officer, I know I said I’d made thirty-five kilos of plastic explosive, but I was only joking…

22. Smash a CRT

A Cathode Ray Tube? Um, probably. I seem to recall breaking up an old telly once.

23. Require medical treatment as a result of kinky sex gone wrong

Nope. My mother reads this, don’t forget. And nor have I ever needed medical treatment as a result of kinky sex gone right, either!

24. Tip a waiter with something other than money

Nope, which is probably why I’m allowed back into restaurants I like.

25. Light a fire with petrol

Don’t know if it was petrol, but I’ve certainly set fire to things. In a nice, safe, controlled manner of course just to sit and watch the flames like a good little pyromaniac, rather than in an arsonist burning things down kind of a manner. Ah, student days…

26. Kidnap someone

Just Patty Hearst. Wait, that was the Symbionese Liberation Army, wasn’t it? In that case, no I haven’t.

27. Park inside a motorway service station

Do you mean park at one, or park inside one? Either way, no, although I have been in cars that have parked at them.

28. Own a convertible

Nope.

29. Live abroad

Nope.

30. Drive at more than 140 miles per hour

Nope. Nor do I think I’ve ever owned a vehicle capable of such a feat. Again, the “why the hell would I want to do this?” factor is coming into play.

31. Get something for free through a masterpiece of complaining

Yup. Got the room hire for my wedding (£250 worth) knocked off the bill because I complained about them trying to charge us it when we checked out rather than when we paid for the rest of the wedding, and point-blank refused to pay it there and then. I said they could send me out an invoice to check, but I wasn’t paying it without checking our records. So they just let us off with it. And sure enough when I checked our records after returning from honeymoon, we had owed them it. So, thanks for that, Crathorne Hall, which was a very nice wedding venue, and they were otherwise absolutely lovely. Go and get married there now.

32. Give yourself a mains electric shock

Yes, while on holiday in Crete as a teenager, I removed a two-pin plug from the socket by the pins, got sent flying across the room and landed in a heap on the floor feeling like someone had kicked me in the back of the neck.

33. Completely dismantle an object larger than yourself

Various items of furniture and a shed.

34. Write off a car

Nope

35. Fall asleep and get really hilarious sunburn

Nope

36. Get drunk on Absinthe

I’ve gotten drunk as a result of drinking various things, including Absinthe, but not just Absinthe, because it’s horrible.

37. Stay up all night listening to a girl have an emotional crisis

Only to about 5am.

38. Lick the terminals of a 9 volt battery.

Nope. And don’t try that one at home, kids.

39. Take part in motorsport

No, but I have watched a Grand Prix on telly.

40. Stay at the office for more than 24 hours

No. Not in one stint, anyway. I’ve got a life outside of work, you know — maybe not a very interesting one, but I like it…

41. Set off a fire extinguisher

Technically, yes, but this was the student thing again. And there was something actually on fire at the time, so I’m not sure if this counts — does it only count if you’re not using it properly?

42. Drive at least 600 miles in a day on two lane roads

Do you mean two lanes each way, or one lane each way? Either way, no. That’s way more than I’ve driven in a day.

43. Hotwire a car

Erm… no. What next? Have I ever murdered someone, dismembered their body and kept their rotting corpse stashed under my floorboards? (That would be no as well, incidentally — I wouldn’t have been able to get the floorboards up)

44. Watch all the Monty Python films in one sitting

Not 100% sure, but I think I have done this one. I certainly watched Life Of Brian, The Quest For The Holy Grail and The Meaning of Life in one sitting, if that’s what you mean. If you want all the tie-ins, TV-shows-cum-films etc as well, then no.

45. Shag an ex-girlfriend by mistake

No, and to be honest I don’t really understand how you could do this by mistake. What was it?

Oops, sorry for just having sex with you there, I had just meant to wave and say hello

What, you mean we stopped going out in 1994? I hadn’t realised. Well, you never told me! You did? Is that why you stopped returning my calls? And that court injunction thing, that was you as well, was it? Well, I just wish I’d realised we weren’t going out any more, that’s all…

46. Dial 999

Yes, when I woke up in the middle of the night to spot a car on fire in the middle of the street. I was particularly impressed by after the way when I’d reported the problem, the person on the other end of the line suggested that I would probably want the Fire Service. Well, you don’t get that sort of answer without highly-trained staff, do you?

47. Commit a faux pas which means a friend will never speak to you again

Not yet but it’s probably only a matter of time.

48. Make a bet you couldn’t afford to lose

Nope. I’ll occassionally gamble possibly more than I should — those who go drinking with me can vouch for my liking of fruit machines — but that’s not serious money. I mean, I’d not wager the shirt off my back nor nowt. As it happens, my biggest ever single bet was £10 on a mate’s stag do at Redcar Races. So probably not.

49. Read a 500 page book in one sitting

Sure, all the time, frankly. I read somewhere in the region of 4 to 6 books a week, and can normally read about 500 pages, taking it all in, in a train journey of just over three hours. It’s why I can’t afford hardbacks — I read so much it has to be paperbacks.

50. Escape a perfectly justified parking ticket

No, ‘cos I’ve never had a parking ticket, justified or otherwise. More because I don’t drive very much than anything else. I have been to pay a parking ticket though, on someone else’s behalf, and was in the queue to pay in Newcastle behind a large belligerent, red-skinned, sweaty and rather hairy man who was working his way through a carrier bag full of Special Brew whilst ranting and yelling obscenities at the staff. He was encouraged to leave, which meant that I got seen to faster, and nobody spewed over my shoes, which I call a result.

I wouldn’t really call it a list of things to do before you’re thirty, to be honest. I’d be more likely to call it a list of stupud things you shouldn’t do in the first place, but that most of us have done some of. Anyway, I got somewhere between 12 and 14, depending on how you count ‘em.