I’ve just been out for a meal tonight, at a restaurant which seemed to be pretty much in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in North Yorkshire. Please: no comments about how this was always going to be the same place. Anyway, it was called the Something and Something Else. I’m not telling you exactly what, because I’m not a restaurant review guide — although if anyone wants to provide me with free food I’ll happily give their restaurant an excellent write up. The only clue I’ll give you is that it had a distinctly fishy or possibly nautical theme.

So, for the sake of needing something to call it, I’m going to refer to it as the Frog and Peach, in homage to that classic Pete & Dud sketch where the dishes have a distinctly froggy and peachy feel:

There’s frog a la peche, which is a frog done in Cointreau and with a peach stuffed in its mouthSir Arthur Streeb-Greebling (aka Peter Cook)

Where was I? Ah yes, fishy…

So there’s 10 of us going to this restaurant for a birthday meal for my wife and her sister, and when I’ve heard the name of the restaurant, I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to like it. I’m not a great fan of seafood, you see. Well, I’ll rephrase that. I love crabs, mussels, whelks etc, but they never seem to get on very well with me and so as I wouldn’t describe myself as a fan of vomiting, I tend to avoid eating them. So I’m thinking I’ll maybe go for the vegetarian option…

Of course, I was assuming here that there would actually be a vegetarian option on the menu somewhere. I couldn’t find one. There might have been one tucked away somewhere, but it was bloody well hidden if it was. I would have perhaps preferred the prices to be more hidden, as I found myself muttering “thirty seven pound for a main course”, but I stopped there because I was aware of the significant risk of this becoming a rant beginning “When I were a lad…” and ending “… and still have change for the bus home!”.

But, seemingly no veggie things on the menu. Then again, the restaurant had a stuffed parrot with a white tie on it and a stuffed flamingo in different parts of the building looking like they’d seen better days — as well as other oddities such as a deep sea divers helmet, assorted pieces of netting and one of those … um, I don’t know the word but you get them on old fashioned turbine-driven ships, they’re made of brass, they determine how fast the ship goes and they’ve got things like “full steam” and “half steam” written on them — so anyway I don’t think they were specifically setting out to cater for vegetarian sensibilities in the first place. Anyway, as it turned out they did Thai Crab Fishcakes (yes, I know, but I’ve never had any problems with these), and on the specials board was a sirloin steak with chorizo sausage, so that was me nicely catered for. Fortunately these combined came in at under £25 so I wasn’t feeling like my wallet was being surgically extracted.

I’m perfectly aware that some people who read this may think nothing of spending the equivalent of £80 on a single course. You’re probably some kind of rich high-flyer or own your own company. I’m not, and I don’t, so it’s not that I’m being cheap, believe me. If you give me that kind of money and tell me to go out and spend it, I will — just don’t expect me to do it on my own limited resources. Actually, come to think about it, I don’t know much about the spending habits of my readers: let me know if you’ve spent over £80 on single course of a meal.

So, fortunately all five couples appeared to be veggie free, so there were no great problems here. The food was very nice, but I can’t vouch for the wine, being one of those people who doesn’t like to let alcohol spoil the enjoyment of a lovely evening meal — although to be fair, I don’t like a lovely evening on the beer to be spoiled by a meal either. There was a teensy problem with the food however, as the waiter came over and announced that the side dishes one of us had ordered had in fact been delivered to another table.

And pause. With added bemused looks — after all, the tables are numbered, the order was written down on one sheet of paper, and they managed to deliver the rest of it successfully.

It was then announced that the side dishes were being made again but would be another five minutes. Okay, it’s not ideal, but the relevant main meal was sent back to the kitchen to be kept warm until the accompaniments were ready.

Everyone else was just finishing their meals as the side dishes finally arrived ten minutes later — with no sign of the main course.

By this time, the gentleman concerned was getting a mite ticked off with the service so set off to find a waiter (as they’d all disappeared). To be fair, I don’t think my wisecracks like “were you not hungry, then?” helped matters much. Eventually he returned, accompanied by a waiter and — wait for it — his main meal. Hurray!

He was told that he’d not be charged for the main meal or the side dishes, which seemed quite reasonable, and lightened the mood somewhat — and then, as usual, we all got to talking about the same old comfortably entertaining nonsense that a group of old friends generally talk about.

Please note, when I say old I don’t mean they are old people, merely that they’ve known each other for a good while. I’m both the youngest and the newest member of the group, as well as obviously the sexiest, best looking, most charming, and just in case I’m not the only one who reads this blog I’d like to still be welcome at further nights out, so I thought I’d better clarify I wasn’t calling them old.

And then it was time to pick the kids up again and unfortunately have to listen to a 4 song CD by The Wiggles (Official Site) repeatedly on the way home in the car. I quite like them as kids TV shows go — and I took my little lad to see them when they toured in the UK, but being the father of that just-about-three-year-old Wiggles fan extraordinaire and Murray Cook wannabe, I get to watch the same DVDs of them every single day, over and over and over again. And while I think they’re great childrens TV performers, they’re wearing a little thin with me now, sorry.

And after getting home, it was obviously time to write up my adventures…

Incidentally, I’ve been writing notes on my biography as I thought it might be an entertaining thing to pass to my children when they’re older. I have no intention on dumping it on the public at large if you don’t want to see it (I’m not anticipating a book deal…), but if you would like to see it, I’m quite happy to share with you. You ought to know what my writing style is like by now. Let me know.