…this is following on from the Grand Tradition of Lawsonism, whereby you publish terrible jokes on a friday, such as the shaggy dog story about the zoo, and the strange case of the rectally-inserted fruit. Following in that tradition then, here’s my tale of medicinal high-jinks…

A Man Goes Into His Doctors…

… complaining of these strange urges.

“Doctor!” he cries, “You’ve got to help me!”

“Go on”, says the Doctor, “tell me about your problem.”

“Well, it’s a little embarrassing, but basically I’ve got this great big grandfather clock, and every hour when it strikes, I climb up it for no apparent reason. It keeps falling over — I’ve had to get it repaired twice — and I’m worried I’m going to hurt myself.

“Hmm… that is strange. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything conventional medicine can do to help you. However, a friend of mine who owns a bar has recently taken up complementary herbal healing remedies — why don’t you give him a call?”

The man takes the number and leaves and the Doctor hears nothing more. After about a month, his curiosity gets the better of him and he decides to call round the man’s house to find out how he’s getting on.

“Well Dr. Jones”, says the man as they sit down, “it turns out that your friend had just the thing for me — combining his bar skills and his herbal skills.”

“And what’s that?”

The man just held up a hand. A few seconds later the grandfather clock struck the hour and the man reached to a table beside him where there was a glass of yellowish-brown liquid. He quickly took a gulp, and immediately three small white mice appeared from under his chair, twitching their noses, ran over to the grandfather clock and began to climb up it.

“There you go”, said the man, “I just drink this, they do that and because I can see them climbing up the clock, I don’t feel any urge to do it myself.”

“But…but what on Earth is it — and how does it make the mice do that?” asked the perplexed Doctor.

“I’m surprised you haven’t guessed — it’s just a hickory Daiquiri, doc.”