I was viciously, much against my better judgement forced to go out on the beer last night, as one of my friends (actually two of my friends) had had a baby on Friday night. I’d not seen him for a while as he’d been caught by the impending-fatherhood “better-not-have-a-drink-in-case-baby-comes” theory for quite some time now, as it was more than two weeks late when it finally arrived.

Anyway, I’m not here to talk about babies. I’m here to talk about books about people having babies.

Specifically, I’m going to talk about The A to Z of Having a Baby.

It’s a comedy book, it’s written by Jeff Green, and if you are a parent of small children, you’re about to become a parent of small children, or you can remember what it’s like to be the parent of small children, then this is a book you simply must read. If you don’t fall into one of those categories, don’t bother, you won’t relate to it. It’s funny. No, scratch that, it’s very, very funny.

To give you the idea, I saw the book in the shops several weeks ago, thought of my mate who was shortly to become a dad, and decided to get it as a present to the parents — as that’s one of the things of having children, all the Christmas presents/ Easter Eggs/ assorted gifts are for the kids from then on. So I decided to specifically buy this for the parents.

After doing a bit more Christmas shopping, I stopped for a quick cup of coffee. Having nothing to read, I thought I’d flick idly through the book for a few minutes…

Love (unconditional)

That strange bond which means that when your child vomits all over you, you hoot with laughter instead of phoning an exorcist.

The A to Z of Having a Baby

[Imagine a kind of a wiggly-line fade-out and fade-in like you'd get in films]

Eighty minutes and two further cups of coffee later, I decided that I really must finish the shopping. By this point however, I knew I’d be finishing the book when I got home. Sure, I was still going to pass it on to my friends, but it would probably be a touch more well-thumbed…

Is my baby normal?

• Is he/she crying?
• Are you at the end of your tether?
• Do you look longingly at church doorsteps and wonder if you will ever get a good nights sleep?

If the answer to these questions is ‘yes’, then your baby is perfectly normal.

The A to Z of Having a Baby

In addition to this, it also perfectly covers the stresses and strains that can be placed on a relationship during pregnancy, and provides invaluable guidance — particularly to the male partner:

Although your partner may say that above anything else she values honesty in a relationship, you must be careful not to be too honest. Women are notoriously fickle at this time (see hormones). For example, avoid situations like this:

She

And that’s why I think we should buy the little-wheeled buggy, not the big wheeled one. What do you think?

You

I’m sorry love, I was miles away. I was distracted by that lady’s knockers over there.

The A to Z of Having a Baby

What are you waiting for? Go and buy it. Preferably from one of my amazon affiliate links in this post…