apologies to anyone who has already seen this, I imagine it’s been doing the rounds…

Holiday Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to be friends, but it is so difficult it today’s society to know what precisely to say in order to avoid causing offence.

After a series of meetings with my lawyer, I have therefore prepared a statement based on the advice given:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions appropriate to those of a religious persuasion, or following the secular practices of your choice, but in either case demonstrating respect for the religious and/or secular practices and preferences of others, or indeed their choice not to follow any religious or secular tradition at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the year 2007 C.E., with appropriate due respect to the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our socierty have helped make our nation great (not to imply that any nation is inherently better or more worthy than any other nation), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to accept the following terms:

• This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
• This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
• This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others, and is void where prohibited by law.
• This greeting is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
• The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
• Your statutory rights are not affected.

Best wishes,
[Name withheld on legal advice]