Okay, some of you might remember that a few weeks ago I mentioned a hypothetical situation involving a 5-a-side team which lost 22-0.

Well, after that game, they got a proper goalkeeper, and lost the next match 5-1 before winning their third 6-4. Unfortunately, this hypothetical team’s entirely hypothetical goalkeeper then picked up rather too many injuries from diving about and so they needed a new keeper.

Hypothetically, they asked me. I warned them I wasn’t a very good hypothetical goalkeeper (nor indeed a particularly good actual one): I’ve got reasonable reactions (certainly better than some) but I’m not in the same hypothetical class as their previous hypothetical goalkeeper. Since I arrived, we’ve lost 8-3 and 17-0. Although in my defence, the team that beat us 17-0 have previously beaten the 22-0 team, so they are theoretically a better team. And I’d point out that our “nil” would indicate that most of the play was around our goal.

Still, on the bright side, I saw more of the ball than most of my team mates. Frequently from close range. Including in the side of the face after about thirty seconds and right into my chest after about four minutes.

Our main problem is we’re all really unfit. Our second main problem is that for the most part, we’re fairly shit, but it’s the third problem I want to talk about: the fact that one of our team members finds us all completely incomprehensible most of the time.

She’s a girl.

Well, technically she’s a woman, as she’s actually aged… um … twenty one and a bit … but the main problem is us lads have all played five-a-side before, and she hasn’t, and some shouts have got her confused. So for the benefit of this hypothetical player on a hypothetical team, I bring you the actual guide to five-a-side jargon.

Hit It!

Doesn’t mean: punch the ball

Doesn’t mean: play that funky music, DJ

Does mean: Shoot!

Line!

Doesn’t mean: I’ve spotted some cocaine on the floor

Doesn’t mean: Form an orderly queue and wait your turn for the ball

Does mean: hit the ball up (or down) the side of the pitch in a straight line

Square!

Doesn’t mean: it’s time for a square dance

Doesn’t mean: you’re really boring and unhip

Does mean: pass the ball across the pitch (usually towards the centre, but depends where you are)

Time!

Doesn’t mean: I’m terribly afraid I’ve left my watch in the changing rooms. Could you tell me what time it is, if you would be so good?

Doesn’t usually mean: That’s it, game over

Does usually mean: you’ve got a second or two, no need to panic

Man On!

Doesn’t mean: … I don’t really know what else you could take this to mean, to be honest

Does mean: one of their players is right next to you and is going to try and take the ball off you. Try to avoid them doing so, if you could

If you can think of any more that would aid the understanding of this hypothetical language barrier, let me know…