It’s been a while, and as I’d not cleaned out my site’s spam filter for a while, there were quite a few spam messages in there, so I thought it was about time to poke through the detritus on the filters.

It’s a dirty job, being a spam-filter tosher, but someone has to do it.

The usual disclaimer: beyond this point this article may contain swearing, explicit sexual references, and other things that may be inappropriate to those of a nervous disposition.

Still here?

Keep your computer free from trojans, spyware, adware, worms, keyloggers, rootkits, dialers and other malicious programs!Spammer ‘A’

You know, that’s precisely what I want to do. Which is also why I’ll not be downloading your software. For anyone not already in the know, this is a standard ploy: they pretend your PC has viruses and/or other desirable content on it, but if you download their software, they’ll clean it off for you.

In reality of course, you probably didn’t have any viruses. At least until you installed their software. Interestingly enough, the particular anti-virus product this spammer wanted people to get was the same one highlighted by the Sophos blog entry A Powerful Form of Coercion.

Better to steer clear, methinks.

Erotic female body buildersSpammer ‘N’

Not for me thanks. I prefer the female form to have curves and stuff, rather than great big muscles and veins like mooring ropes bulging out of their necks. But I accept that’s just my personal preference…

…despite your unjust circumstances tara girlie glam butts onlySpammer ‘F’

Despite my unjust circumstances what??. Obviously it’s somewhat unfair that I’m not overlord of the entire universe, but ‘tara girlie glam butts only’? Does that even make sense?

Tequila nakedSpammer ‘J’

Bloody hell. I mean, I’ve heard of some pretty hot stuff before but never naked … tequila … before. What next, Jack Daniels without coke?

The Hills Have Eyes Movie EndingSpammer ‘S’

Um.. if I wanted to see the end of the movie ‘the hills have eyes’, wouldn’t it simply make more sense just to watch the film in the first place?

Kidney infection symptomsSpammer ‘A’

Well you spammers are somewhat of a pain in the arse. Is that symptomatic of a kidney infection?

I found, playing chess thanks, there were divas topless until I could notSpammer ‘T’

It’s sickening, isn’t it. The depths some people will sink to to try and put people off. This poor chap would have probably won his game of chess if they hadn’t been exhibiting that sort of unfair behaviour.

Then I came across a list of celebrity names in a big link list, most of which were followed by ‘naked’, ‘boobs’ or ‘sex’ on the end. But about two-thirds of the way through the list, I came across this:

Conda Lisa RiceSpammer ‘D’

Sounds like some sort of Texan recipe. You know, to go along with your rib-eye steak and your grits (whatever the hell they are), have a bit of Conda Lisa Rice to go with it. I imagine it as slightly sticky rice, with an orangey sort of a colour and cooked with a hint of pepper sauce.

Of course, I presume they were referring to Condoleezza Rice, part of the Bush administration, and not a woman I myself would dare to spell without looking it up first..

Haystack rapperSpammer ‘R’

Now if I came across that link from a genuine source, instead of those foetid spammers, I would have been quite interested in this. A Haystack rapper? Have The Wurzels left their Scrumpy & Western roots and gone gangsta?

And for reminding me of those West Country wonders, I hereby declare Spammer ‘R’ the spammer of the week. His or her prize is… bugger all, ‘cos I don’t give nowt to spammers.