Another slice of spam
Yes, it’s this time again, when I sift through the comments that have been consigned to the spam bin and see if I can attempt to salvage any meaning from them. Except in this case I have noted spammers seem to be posing more questions, so I am going to see if I can provide the advice that they are looking for.
As usual, said comments may come with explicit sexual references and/or swearing, so don’t read on if you’re sweet, innocent and want to stay that way.
Advice on losing virginitySpammer ‘D’
That’s easy. Have sex.
I am a teen and need to lose weightSpammer ‘G’
Less eating, more exercise. Next!
How much of the earths mass is made by the core?Spammer ‘F’
Um… a slightly more unusual request… but I’ll see what I can do for you. Right. Well, according to Solar Views, the inner core makes up 1.7% of the Earths mass, but a whopping 30.8% of the earth’s mass is made up by the outer core. So that’s 32.5% in all.
When should you ask your friend if she is a lesbian?Spammer ‘H’
Well the simple answer is, you shouldn’t, on the basis that it’s none of your damn business. If your friend is a close friend, she might choose to tell your about her sexuality, but it’s really her choice. On the other hand, there is maybe an argument that if your friend hasn’t had any relationships with men and appears to be attracted towards women but seemingly without doing anything about it, you should maybe give her a gentle nudge and ask her to consider her sexuality.
But I don’t really know. I’m not a counsellor, I’ve no particular knowledge of LGB issues, but I’d work on the theory that unless your friend is coming on to you, her sexuality is really her business, not yours…
Where can I find lesbian porn?Spammer ‘H’
You know, I’m beginning to think that you weren’t really asking that first question because you actually wanted to care. You just wanted to look at some pictures of nekked ladies, didn’t you? Well, in answer to your question, there are a whole variety of ahem specialist interest shops, and there are also websites that may provide that sort of stuff for you. Although I’d guess there’s a difference between and lesbian porn (for blokes) — nekked ladies without any hairy men in the way — and porn for lesbians. But, like I said, I’m not an expert in LGB issues so I dunno…
Need instructions for folding paper flowersSpammer ‘J’
Why not try Paperfolding.com? You can see how to do C3PO, and that’s more impressive than a paper flower…
How to make grasshopper drinkSpammmer ‘F’
I’m not sure if this is a bit zen: some variation of ‘you can lead a grasshopper to water but you can’t make him drink’, or whether someone has a pet grasshopper (yeah, okay it sounds unlikely) that isn’t drinking — stick a bowl of water in its cage? — or whether it’s like a smoothie sort of a thing.
You know, stick three hundred grasshoppers in a blender, along with a little sugar to taste…
But then again, it might be the recipe for the Grasshopper cocktail they are after, which is basically equal parts of Crème de menthe, Crème de cacao and fresh cream.
Nicole brown murdererSpammer ‘H’
Hmm. Well according to the civil trial, O.J. Simpson was liable for her wrongful death. He was however acquitted in the criminal trial. He then wrote If I Did It, which he lost the rights to — they were transferred to the Goldman family — who then added the commentary “he did it”.
So while O.J. was acquitted in a criminal trial, he was found guilty in a civil trial. I don’t know whether or not that means he ought to be legally considered a murderer or not, but he’s probably your best bet, Spammer ‘H’.
Where to find erotic gorgonzolaSpammer ‘P’
… er. You’ve got me on that one, I’m afraid. I wouldn’t even know where to start looking, or whether some sorts of gorgonzola are more erotic than others…
100 sure of being gaySpammer ‘J’
Oh, I think there’s more than a hundred overall. Unless of course you’re in Llandewi Breffi, in which case there is obviously only one, Daffydd Thomas. Unless you’re asking whether or not someone is one hundred percent sure of being gay. I don’t know — but I’d guess there’s a spectrum between “100% heterosexual” and “100% homosexual”…
- only ever found people of your own sex attractive
- …somewhere in between…
- only ever found people of the opposite sex attractive
…and I’d guess that you’d have quite a few people in that middle category. But why do you feel the need for a label, anyway? If you fancy a bloke, ask them out. If you fancy a woman, ask them out. There’s no rule says you’re not allowed to change your mind…
I think I may be pregnantSpammer ‘D’
Spammer ‘D’… Spammer ‘D’… wait, you’re not that spammer I met in a bar down in Guildford, are you? No, no, that’s all right, I’ve never been to Guildford. Phew! Erm… in that case — and I’m aware it may seem a tad obvious — but why not take a pregnancy test?
Darn… if you’re the same spammer ‘D’ who was asking about losing virginity before, maybe I should have said have sex but take precautions. Whoops…
Hello. I am 
Excellent as ever - I love your spam posts!