ThePickards
standards, accessibility, and ranting and general stuff by the web chemist

Yes, it’s that usual trawl through the spam to see what delightful comments have been heading in my direction over the last month.

i read your article..the things you have written sound very sincereSpammer ‘A’

I could understand this as a legitimate comment if I had been talking about something deeply personal, or some beliefs of mine, but it was just a description of a family outing with some accompanying photographs. Yes, it was sincere — in the sense that I did actually have that family outing — but it isn’t a word I word have generally associated with it…

I had a nurse come…and draw some of my blood. I painted some pictures for Angie [Jolie] in my bloodSpammer ‘F’

Er… did you? Well er… thanks for sharing that with me. I must admit it sounds a little weird and more than a little sinister, though. It’s like ‘celebrity spam stalker’ or something. Actually, this a quote from Billy Bob Thornton, who used to be married to Angelina Jolie (bastard). Although it still sounds somewhat weird and sinister, I have to admit.

Drunk students have sexSpammer ‘B’

Yes, I’m sure they do. But I think most people were already aware that this happens: there’s no need to tell us about it…

Goodies remixSpammer ‘A2′

The Goodies remixed? I had no idea that ‘Funky Gibbon’ was still that popular. Personally, I was always much more a fan of Bill Oddie’s radio appearances, in particular I’m Sorry, I’ll Read That Again. You just can’t beat the sheer nonsense of stuff like The Ferret Song:

I’ve got a ferret sticking up my nose.
He’s got a ferret sticking up his nose.
How it got there I can’t tell, but now it’s there it hurts like hell,
And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell. His sense of smell.ISIRTA: The Ferret Song

I mean, you just can’t beat that, can you?

Very interesting PORNO [link] and beautiful site. It is a PORNO [link] lot of ful information. Thanks. PORNO [link]Spammer ‘L’

You know, that would almost have made sense, if you removed the seemingly random inclusion of the word ‘porno’ as a link thrown repeatedly into the comment. Of course the site is beautiful, it’s got a picture of me on it.

dolma, dolman, dolman sleeve, dolmen, dolomite, dolorous, dolour, dolphin [...]Spammer ‘R’

Hmm. Someone has found a dictionary, haven’t they?

thanks for letting me view your guest book and giving me all the informationSpammer ‘M’

And there’s another thing. When I haven’t got a guest book, it sounds a little suspicious telling me you’ve seen it. It’s like when I get those emails telling me that you need me to confirm my username and password for my Bank of Canada account — when strangely, I don’t remember opening any Bank of Canada account.

If the taste as good. Honey teen bath sex flew down to be.Spammer ‘G’

Flew down to be what, exactly? Or is ‘honey teen bath’ some sort of new skincare product to bathe in? No? Sounds quite nice to me. Think it will sell better without ’sex’ tagged on at the end though (at least as a beauty product).

Make my nipples hurtSpammer ‘T’

Um… I’d really rather not, if it’s all the same to you. I mean, I would, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m not really into that sort of thing, I don’t even know you — do you not think we should maybe go for a drink or something first? — and besides, your name is a male name, and to be honest, that’s putting me off too.

Do you think we could maybe just leave it?

This website is very nice and colorful too. Its nice to have something to show others where you attend church and to show all the smiling people filled of the goodness of the Lord. You have a wonderful website here. May God rich bless you always.Spammer ‘H’

Well, yes, it may indeed be nice to show people where I attend church, and to show all the smiling people filled of the goodness of the Lord, but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion you’ve posted in the wrong place. That post actually related to cognitive disability, not churchgoing. Although I’ll give you that they do begin with the same letter…

Then, we have a modern day love story:

Well she did it, she cheated. I still can’t believe it.Spammer ‘C’

In more detail, this tells the story of a young man who fell in love with a woman who he caught cheating on him, so in order to retain the moral high ground, he set up a website calling her a whore. That’s classy. I can’t understand what it is possibly about him that drove her to someone else…

sodomy by postSpammer ‘R’

By post? Is this a way of telling the electricity company they can stick their bills up their arse? Because if you’re actually suggesting that you can achieve said act through mailing … something … to someone, then all I can say is “Bugger me backwards! I wouldn’t have thought you could do that!”. On second thoughts, that may have been an ill-advised choice of phrase. I’ll just have to wait and see what letters I receive…

She was hot but pretty stupid… I should have known better.Spammer ‘C’

This sounds vaguely familiar… oh yes, it’s another one of those sites with that bloke who found his girlfriend cheating on him, only she’s apparently got a different name this time. Seemingly if I send the link to his site to lots and lots of people, I’ll get access to ’secret photos’. Yeah, mate, right. You’re such a charmer, do you know that?

This entry was posted on Friday, September 5th, 2008 at 12:26 am and is filed under Scams & Spams. You can follow responses via my RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your site.