Children In La-La Land
Apparently, some parents think that their children should live in a world filled with fluffy pink cotton wool, ethnically cleansed of anything potentially offensive, controversial, or even anything that will make their children ask questions that the parents will have to answer.
And these people are cockwits.
Now, as a parent I understand that it is indeed perfectly appropriate — and in fact desirable — to want to protect your children from danger. This is why although I might be happy for my children to get a jigsaw for Christmas, I wouldn’t allow them to plug it in.
Joking aside, I am appalled that some parents have complained to the BBC that a children’s BBC presenter with one hand is provoking awkward questions. What? And they think that the BBC shouldn’t employ someone with one hand because it might provoke an awkward question?
What if children’s BBC decided they wanted a presenter who was black? (Yes, I know they have already done, but I don’t really see the difference). Isn’t a presenter with a different skin colour to your child equally likely to provoke comment? God forbid that Children’s BBC should ever employ a pregnant presenter.
But there is a considerable difference between protecting your children from danger — I might well suggest that it is inappropriate for a children’s TV presenter to inject intravenous drugs live on air between programmes, for example — and trying to force your children to live in something which is plainly not ‘the real world’.
Yes, you want to protect kids; you don’t want them to have to worry. But when my 5 year old wants to know why people are crying on the news, I will tell him that they are crying because some of the people in their family have been killed in Australian bushfires (or whatever the reason is). He deserves better from me than being fobbed off with some lies. And I will tell him, when asked, that you do get snakes and bears ‘on our planet’ (he watches a lot of Doctor Who, remember). But I will also tell him that the risk of these things is low: generally you don’t get them near us.
I have been asked before questions like “why is that boy getting pushed in a chair?”, and I will answer as best I can — in that case “because he hasn’t got any legs to walk with” seemed fairly reasonable. I have tried — as best I can — to answer the question “why doesn’t Homer like that man?” in relation to Homer’s Phobia.
That I found a little more difficult, because he’s obviously too young to understand the concept of ‘sexuality’ (I think!) so my explanation went something like this: “most of the time, when people grow up, men like to live in a house with ladies, and ladies like to live with men. But sometimes, men like to live with other men, and ladies with other ladies. People who do this are called ‘gay’. But it’s a bit silly to not like someone just because of who they want to live with!”
Not one I think I would have even attempted if the question hadn’t cropped up.
But parents who are worried about explaining disability are generally the ones who are worried about embarrassment, presumably because they think there is something wrong with it, and that the disabled people won’t want anyone asking questions. Coming from an adult, it might well be intrustive or offensive, but a child asking a question about disability is not particularly likely to cause offense. Indeed, in most situations, the person in the wheelchair, or with the guide dog, will already be aware of their disability, and is unlikely to be shocked that someone else has noticed.
Indeed, as a child psychologist points out in the BBC article, children just tend to accept things and don’t think that there is anything unusual about them — it’s only when adults start tip-toeing around the subject or go “oh my God! she’s only got one hand! quick, change the channel in case you catch it!” that the children start thinking that it’s anything out of the ordinary.
It’s part of the job description of being a parent to answer the questions your kids put to you and educate them. This does not mean only those questions you feel personally comfortable with. Nor does it mean that they need a full and graphic description of precisely how their baby brother got into Mammy’s tummy: you need to answer with something appropriate to the child’s age and what they understand.
But that doesn’t mean talking down to them. Your kids deserve better than that. No-one said being a parent was easy. But it is important.
The Goldfish says:
February 25th, 2009 at 10:45 am
This is the best blog post I’ve read on the subject, probably on account of the word “cockwits”. Anyone who has been near children at any point in their lives really ought to know that they are not at all distressed by difference – and when they are distressed by other people, you can never work out what has triggered them off, certainly something more subtle than a missing limb.
Most visibly disabled people will tell you that kids are much cooler than grown-ups – children ask you questions or talk about it in a matter-of-fact way; they never pretend to ignore you or stare without speaking. And it is one of the most hurtful experiences when parents drag their curious children away from you, without addressing you at all, as if the little darlings might catch something.
Holly says:
February 25th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
If there’s anything that’s scary about this, it’s the attitude of the parents who have complained (particularly those hiding behing screen names on forums). Children are certainly aware of differences, but it isn’t in a bad way – usually they are merely curious about why people are different. The offspring of the parents who have made the presenter’s disability such an issue will now see this as a negative thing, and it is this that will corrupt their views as they grow up and deal with the real world.
Jack's Mam says:
February 25th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Just thought it worth mentioning ,Jack that your son BTP was watching CBeebies at teatime and just happened to ask the question ‘Why has that lady only got one hand?.
Timing,eh? Anyway ,not knowing the real reason why (I have since found out she was born with only one hand) I explained that she may have been born with only one hand or maybe, she had been involved in accident and seriously damaged her hand and arm etc. Anyway, that was all he wanted to know and then he continued to make a boat from the cushions of my sofa!
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