The Osberts 2009
Well, as I am sure anyone who has been anywhere near a TV in the last day or so will realise, there were some quite high-profile film awards on the other night, called the Osberts or something like that. I didn’t really catch all of the coverage, but there’s only a certain amount of times you can hear ‘celebrity journalists’ wittering on about how beautiful the dress was that dress Danny Boyle was wearing, congratulating Sean Bean on his performance in Milk, or listening to how well the Brits did with Hotdog Billionaire.
It has come to my attention that some people are a little cynical over the coverage and can’t really be bothered with it, while others really want to talk about it.
Attempting to please everybody then, I am going to offer my own awards ceremony instead. So instead, I’m going to announce my own alternative awards, thePickards Osberts 2009.
Most hideous cock-up
All of the multinational banking corporations who hadn’t realised exactly how much debt they had taken on, or how much money they had available, and generally sent the world crashing tits-up after years of raking in huge salaries to the extent that they are now propped up from taxpayers everywhere.
Hmm. I might start my own bank ‘under the mattress.com’ for anyone who doesn’t trust their money to these financial institutions anymore. Underthemattress.com is part of the ‘In A Rusty Biscuit Tin In The Understairs Cupboard’ group.
Given the scale of this calamity in relation to other cock-ups, no-one else was even nominated.
Princess of Hearts
Well this obviously has to go to Jade Goody, who is dying of cancer. While I do think that it is indeed a great shame that she is dying of cancer and leaving young children behind, prior to her battle with cancer I saw her as an annoying gobby potential bigot, and I think it would be rather hypocritical of me to change my views now. I also think that while it’s nice that Max Clifford has got his nose in the trough to leave money for her children, most of the people who die of cancer don’t get the chance to do this. It’s them I feel sorry for.
However, she is clearly the nation’s media’s latest ‘Princess of Hearts’ so it would be churlish of me to deny her the award. An honourable mention goes to Heather Mills McCartney, who seemingly managed to unite the nation, although possibly not in the way she would have intended.
Drawbacks of Social Networking/Media
There a number of potential drawbacks to those actively partaking in social networking. There is obviously the chance of identity theft, particularly for those people who are quite happy to give out their names, addresses, dates of birth and the like to all and sundry (just remember, every facebook application you choose to trust has access to all of this information…).
There’s the fact that a number (a decreasing number, admittedly) of journalists continue to rail against blogging and twittering, which is only natural as they perceive it as a direct threat: journalists will actually have to get good (or at least ‘entertaining’) to get read in future.
There is the fact that certain people seem to be obsessed with who is following them on Twitter, or how many followers they have. “Ooh, look, I’m being followed by someone with thousands of followers …”, “ooh, look, famous people listen to me”, “ooh, look, I’ve got three thousand followers”. Sadly, while a strong contender, this candidate fell down at the end on the basis that it’s all down to jealousy as not enough people find me (@ThePickards) interesting enough to follow. Bah. Just you wait…
However, the most disturbing trend in social networking this year — winning this particular Osbert — was that people’s parents are joining facebook. This is disturbing. How, exactly, are teenagers expected to arrange a party when their parents are away without stuff like this from aunties and uncles?
I urge you all to consider a ban on parents using facebook — at least if their children were on first. If the parents were on first, then I guess the decision belongs to the children (at least, so long as their parents don’t mind them joining), but at least they should be warned.
After all, it’s going to be hard to update your status with something like:
Do you want to come round while my dad is at work and we’ll get pissed and bang each others brains out? I’ve got some great hard drugs you might want to try…
…if you know they are likely to read it. Fortunately, at least there are still private messages…
Best Picture
Well the picture frequently acclaimed as the best is known as La Gioconda, but this is a small, dull thing, only about 0.4m². Hardly even seems worth mentioning, does it? There’s no bright colours or anything. Furthermore, it was not produced in 2008, which would rule it out of the standard Osberts.
[Look, if they had meant best film, they should have said so]
The Osbert for Best Picture in 2009 instead goes to ‘Darth Vader with Han Solo and Yoda’, a paint-on-newspaper-flyer work from my son produced in December 2008. It is modern, original and bold, uses bright vivid colours and has three people in it, in comparison to the rather feeble one of the Mona Lisa.
Most amusing misunderstanding of data supplied
There were three contenders for this comedy one. First was the recent story that Google Ocean had discovered Atlantis. Yes, a number of people managed to believe (“all hail the omniscient Google”) that despite there being little evidence for an actual Atlantis, that there was one, and that Google Ocean had found it, because of strange parralel straight lines on the map. Sadly, Google in fact revealed that these lines were an artefact caused by the actual mapping process. Or at least, that’s what they want you to believe.
Next we had the worst driver in Ireland, who was a Polish chap called “Prawo Jazdy” who had been logged more than 50 times in a relatively short space of time, racking up speeding tickets and parking fines all over the place. Until, that is, someone realised that “Prawo Jazdy” was Polish for “driving licence” and that cops had been recording the wrong information every time…
But finally, the Osbert winner is back from October, and it is the multi-language road sign found in Swansea, which is supposed to tell lorries that they cannot access a road near an Asda in the city. The sign in English reads “No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only”, and of course in Welsh reads “I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated”. Yes, Swansea Council’s grasp of Welsh is so good that nobody actually noticed until after the sign was erected and members of the public began pointing it out to them…
Steve says:
February 24th, 2009 at 11:38 am
I admit to being guilty – at least when I started to use it – of following a few famous people on Twitter just to see if they followed in return. The only one who did so was Yoko Ono. Very bizarre. Considering next targeting Heather Mills.
paul canning says:
February 24th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I have a better nominee for best picture (NB NSFW!): http://www.omgblog.com/2009/02/omg_so_danceable_japanese_gay.php
:}
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