…a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken, bat, snake or bugsWikipedia: Geek

Or, as the modern day freak-and-geekshow is now referred to, “Britain’s Got Talent”. I had been conteplating whether or not to write anything about this, given the rather inevitable coverage in blogs, in the newspapers, and pretty much every bloody where else. And it’s all taken a rather predictable route.

Step one: the Boyle phenomenon. A woman appears on Britain’s Got Talent who isn’t exactly good-looking, but has an extremely good singing voice. Within about twenty minutes, this is all over the internet and self-important slebs like Demi Moore are promising to support her, saying she’s brilliant. At about the same time we’re finding out that she’s possibly brain-damaged owing to oxygen starvation at birth, that she’s “never been kissed” and all sorts of other things which not only were none of our business but surely don’t actually have any relevance to whether or not she’s got “talent”.

Step two: semi-final. Boyle, backed by a wave of public opinion, gets through to the final of Britain’s Got Talent. Meanwhile, some people, myself included are beginning to get sick of Susan Boyle, or SuBo as the current — and somewhat irritating — method of nicknaming people would have it. Only while our ire is directed at Susan, this is a bit unfair. It’s not really that Susan has done anything to upset us; it’s just the constant media coverage of her, the constant speculation is getting bloody annoying and we’re all sick of it; we’re sick of hearing about Susan bloody Boyle.

Step three: backlash. The public mood is now split: some still supporting Susan, some just wanting anyone else to win because they are sick of her. In the run up to the final, in the final, after the final, Susan is placed under unrelenting pressure. Inevitably she cracks, as you or I might do under that sort of scrutiny and without significant support. This results in yet more media coverage, and also a public backlash against the media — and a media backlash against the media — and indeed against Britain’s Got Geeks Talent.

A few weeks ago, in Susan Boyle’s home town of Blackburn, West Lothian, I was one of the many, many journalists who came clodhopping down her quiet wee street to make her life a misery.Hugo Rifkind: Times Online

Well, you can stuff your sanctimonious, self-righteous bilge, whether ’tis of the hand-wringing or finger-pointing type…

Of course, some of it, vicious as it is when directed at the likes of Simon Cowell, is funny:

Freak-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan. Boyle was admitted to the Priory Clinic in London last night after swearing loudly while running down the corridor in a five-star hotel, in what Cowell said would make a really exciting bit in the film.The Daily Mash

Why do people watch Britain’s Got Talent and The X-Factor? There are two main reasons. Firstly, they want to see people who can sing and dance and do well. But mostly, and particularly in the early rounds, they watch for the freakshow. They watch for the people who obviously can’t sing; can’t dance; haven’t got talent, so we can all laugh at them.

It’s the equivalent of the Victorian practice of touring the insane asylums as family entertainment. It’s let’s laugh at the misguided. It’s laughing at the freakshow, the geekshow. But don’t try and pretend that you are somehow any better. And let’s not pretend that the contestants didn’t choose to go on the bloody programme…

I’ve watched some of the early episodes of Britain’s Got Talent, and some of the X-Factor (not many, but that doesn’t excuse me). I don’t bother towards the end of the series, as it’s less entertaining once the freakery has died down. The fun is in watching those deluded into thinking that they actually have talent when this is plainly not the case (although frequently it’s mixed in with a dollop of ‘why didn’t someone stop them, or tell them before they went on?’). So I’m just as guilty as anyone else.

And it’s obvious that the format is supposed to work that way. Why else would the candidates be dragged out on stage in front of the “cruel to be kind get good ratings” judges. Why else throw them out in front of a baying pack of … audiences … if you just wanted to see if they had talent? Why? Because the audience reaction to the geekshow makes good entertainment too.

Susan Boyle is the freakshow for entertainment. It might be harsh, it might be unfair on her, but that is precisely the reason she made such a splash in the first place. Viz magazine gets to the nub of this perfectly with their spoof comic strip “The Hunchback of Notre Dame’s Got Talent” featuring, of course, Quasiboylo. This might be seen as cruel (because it is, admittedly) but it simply emphasises the point: it’s a piss-take not only of the Susan Boyle phenomenon, but of the reality-TV-freakshow phenomenon, and pretty much everything around it. It may not be nice, it may not be pretty, but an awful lot of it rings true.

And that’s why the likes of Britain’s Got Talent is a success. Simply because it caters to the lowest common denominator. Denouncing Britain’s Got Talent, and the other Cowell vehicles for being exploitative misses the point. They are exploitative because people want to see that. It gets high viewing figures. So don’t come whinging to me that you want better quality television when you don’t actually watch the better quality stuff: the Great British Public are what makes the dumbed down freakshow formats such a commercial success.

However, the media are not blameless in all of this: they are the ones responsible for the incessant over-exposure of Susan Boyle, and leading to the inevitable backlash — and they come in for a hefty critique over at Enemies of Reason, with Britain’s Got Talons.

If there’s one thing I’d like to see come out of this, it’s not an end to reality TV. It’s not an end to the Cowell industry. No. I’d be quite happy to see both of those go by the wayside, mind you (although I’ve nothing against Simon Cowell, it’s just that I want to see “smugman” Piers Morgan out of a job) but what I really, really, really, would like to see is an end to the sanctimonious hand-wringing by people who will behave in exactly the same manner next time.

Paul Weller said it best.

And the public wants what the public gets
But I dont get what this society wants
I’m going undergroundThe Jam: Going Underground (1980)

So I’m er… off underground, it would seem.