My wife says I’m nosy. Well, strictly speaking she didn’t say I’m nosy, but that’s certainly what she wrote in her diary…

Fred and George are in the pub, and just as it’s approaching last orders, Fred says he has to phone for a taxi. When he returns, George is incredulous — “a taxi? But you only live four doors along!”.

“Ah, well the wife will be asleep, so I’ve got to get myself down the docks, you see…” says Fred, then, as he sees George’s jaw bounce open, quickly adds “oh no, nothing like that — but I’ve got a crate to pick up. Come along if you like.”

Twenty minutes later, they’re standing by the docks peering through the slats in a crate at what appears to be a large, hairy, and somewhat imposing gorilla.

“Fred, what the bloody hell are you going to do with a gorilla?”

“Ah,” says Fred. “It’s for the wife.”

“For the wife?” says George.

“Yes. Well, you know what a know-it-all she is. Last Sunday morning I told her that Bill had told us about his youngest going off to university — you remember, he told us in the pub — and she said, yeah, I know, and rolled over. The week before I told you that Vera from the chippie had been having an affair with that plumber, and she said yeah, I know. The week before that I told her about how the bloke from across the street had been picked up by the police, and she said yeah, I know. And I’m just fed up with it, so I’m going to put the gorilla in the bathroom, and go to bed, to teach her a bloody lesson.”

“You’re going to get the gorilla to kill her?”

“No, but in the morning when she wakes me up and says there’s a 400 lb gorilla in the bathroom, I’ll get the chance to say yeah, I know, and roll over and go back to sleep.”

I said to the wife it’d be nice if she moaned and groaned a bit more when we made love. So last night, deep in the throes of passion, she turned her head to whisper in my ear: “…and when you’ve finished this, you’d better hoover up downstairs, it’s a bloody disgrace — and when are you going to put those shelves up?”

I came home the other night to find the wife dressed up in sexy underwear. “The kids are at your mother’s,” she purred. “I want you to strip me naked, tie me to the bed and then you can do anything you want…”

How could I refuse an invitation like that? So I stripped her naked, tied her to the bed, phoned Bill and went down the pub to watch the match.