Cat Man Do

Ninja Cat

And you may have noticed that this didn’t actually happen. For the most part, legions of dedicated and intelligent computer programmers worked round the clock to try to persuade computers that it wasn’t suddenly going to become 1900 overnight.

Since 2000 the world of IT has continued apace: most of us now live in very much a broadband world, not only are we on Facebook, but we’ve also made ‘friends’ with our parents and children (although whoever thought that making inter-generational spying easier was a good idea probably deserves a kick), and some of us have even joined the twitterati. More and more of us have taken up blogging, and some people even have useful things to say from time to time.

Obviously I try to avoid this: my blogging is, for the most part, a personal thing. It’s for my amusement. If what amuses me happens to amuse anyone else, or something that I am interested in is educational for someone else, then this is indeed a good thing, but that’s not what I’m doing it for.

So, given that so much has changed in the last ten years, it’s only fair to warn you all about the impending decade bug. The Millenium Bug was caused by computer programs which only held the year as a two-digit year, and so when “99″ clicked around to “00″, there was nothing to say which century we were in.

The Decade Bug works on precisely the same principle. Any computer program written since 2000 which only stores the year as a single digit will have exactly the same problem — as 2009 clicks over to 2010, the year stored as a single digit will click back from 9 to 0, and all of these computer programs will stop working.

Obviously, if these have been used in nuclear power stations, civil aviation and so on, then we’ll face the same sort of apocalyptic meltdown which we narrowly avoided at the end of 1999. I would also suggest that this might also cause significant problems for in-car sat-nav who might be unable to tell whether or not certain roads have yet been built, whether or not they are actually suitable for motor vehicles or are in fact train tracks, but from the stories I have heard, most drivers probably wouldn’t notice any difference.

If you have any concerns about the decade bug, and you’d like to employ my consultancy services to cope with the likely consequences of the decade bug, I’d suggest that you contact me today. Obviously, once the decade bug has triggered, I would imagine that it will be much more difficult for me to slot you into my schedule, so I’d suggest that you engage my services as quickly as possible, before you realise this is all a load of rubbish I’m fully booked.

Fred and George are in the pub, and just as it’s approaching last orders, Fred says he has to phone for a taxi. When he returns, George is incredulous — “a taxi? But you only live four doors along!”.

“Ah, well the wife will be asleep, so I’ve got to get myself down the docks, you see…” says Fred, then, as he sees George’s jaw bounce open, quickly adds “oh no, nothing like that — but I’ve got a crate to pick up. Come along if you like.”

Twenty minutes later, they’re standing by the docks peering through the slats in a crate at what appears to be a large, hairy, and somewhat imposing gorilla.

“Fred, what the bloody hell are you going to do with a gorilla?”

“Ah,” says Fred. “It’s for the wife.”

“For the wife?” says George.

“Yes. Well, you know what a know-it-all she is. Last Sunday morning I told her that Bill had told us about his youngest going off to university — you remember, he told us in the pub — and she said, yeah, I know, and rolled over. The week before I told you that Vera from the chippie had been having an affair with that plumber, and she said yeah, I know. The week before that I told her about how the bloke from across the street had been picked up by the police, and she said yeah, I know. And I’m just fed up with it, so I’m going to put the gorilla in the bathroom, and go to bed, to teach her a bloody lesson.”

“You’re going to get the gorilla to kill her?”

“No, but in the morning when she wakes me up and says there’s a 400 lb gorilla in the bathroom, I’ll get the chance to say yeah, I know, and roll over and go back to sleep.”

I said to the wife it’d be nice if she moaned and groaned a bit more when we made love. So last night, deep in the throes of passion, she turned her head to whisper in my ear: “…and when you’ve finished this, you’d better hoover up downstairs, it’s a bloody disgrace — and when are you going to put those shelves up?”

I came home the other night to find the wife dressed up in sexy underwear. “The kids are at your mother’s,” she purred. “I want you to strip me naked, tie me to the bed and then you can do anything you want…”

How could I refuse an invitation like that? So I stripped her naked, tied her to the bed, phoned Bill and went down the pub to watch the match.

Poet laureate Carol Ann Duffy has written a Christmas poem, specially commissioned by the Radio Times for its festive edition. [...] The poem begins: “On the first day of Christmas, a buzzard on a branch. In Afghanistan, no partridge, pear tree; but my true love sent to me a card from home.BBC News

My heart sank when I read this. I may be drawing an incorrect conclusion from the very small amount of information presented, but I don’t really want to see yet another Christmas song revisited in the name of right-on lefty moralising. And I say that as a right-on lefty moraliser. It’s just that I’m a right-on lefty moraliser who happens to think Christmas is about having some fun and while taking the piss is perfectly acceptable, it’s not the time of year when I want someone to try and deliver me a serious socio-political message. It’s the time of year for pissing about and having a bit of a laugh.

But it did get me thinking… well, if we’re mucking on with the 12 days of Christmas, could I come up with a more accurate version of what you’re actually likely to get for Christmas? And here’s my first alternative version. It’s always possible I might change the theme again and have a bit more fun with it later. You have been warned

On the first day of Christmas, my family brought to me
… a jumper with a ribbed v

On the second day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the third day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the fourth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks, and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the fifth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the sixth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks, and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the seventh day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the eighth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
…eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the ninth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the tenth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Ten bath salts steeping, nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Eleven hankies wiping, ten bath salts steeping, nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my family brought to me
Twelve in-laws fighting, eleven hankies wiping, ten bath salts steeping, nine Jamie’s Kitchens, eight cans for drinking, seven rolls of wrapping, six games for playing, five pound coins, four chocolate turds, three fountain pens, two argyle socks and a jumper with a ribbed v.

…fortunately, my family aren’t actually that bad, so in the interests of hoping to be a good enough boy to get some nice pressies from Santa, I’d better point that out…

A gentleman is on holiday in a foreign country, trying to conclude an expensive business deal. Naturally, this being a joke, he picks up a prostitute in a local bar and proceeds to take her back to his hotel room to engage in a certain amount of what I believe is euphemistically termed ‘horizontal jogging’. Just as the scene cuts from rather oddly placed stock shots of a train rushing through a tunnel to shots of a rocket taking off into space, fireworks, other explosions and so on, the lady calls out a particular phrase to him in the language he doesn’t understand.

He takes it upon himself to presume that this phrase means “brilliant! fantastic!” or somesuch and files it away for future reference. Naturally, when he then goes on to play the golf the next day with comedy foreign stereotype chap, who hits a tremendous shot with his 5-iron that stick on the green, rolls towards the hole and drops in for a birdie three, he repeats the expression, confident that this will seal the important business deal and is then somewhat surprised when comedy foreign gentleman turns to him and says “what do you mean, ‘wrong hole’?”.

Okay, the joke isn’t even particularly funny unless you assume a certain and very specific set of circumstances, normally requiring that you are ten years of age, you’ve heard it in the playground, and that you don’t actually stop to think about it.

Now, I’m not familiar with the exact procedure to be used during dealings with prostitutes (beyond having seen the film ‘Pretty Woman’, my personal experience of the matter is nil: it’s not that I have a moral objection to people paying for sex, I just have a deep-seated and strongly held objections to both parting with money, and also having my wife nail my bollocks to a table) but I still can’t help but notice that there are one or two, shall we say, flaws in the plot.

Firstly, I would presume that a prostitute whom I would have at least noticed which orifice her gentleman caller was … er … visiting, and that had such not been specifically agreed in advance, it would have been unlikely to have been allowed to proceed to said point without a large pimp appearing and cutting up his face or whatever.

Secondly, I find it difficult to believe that someone whom we are led to believe is a high powered business executive concluding multi-million dollar deals would simply repeat statements that a prostitute had made to them in the throes of simulated passion without actually making any attempt to actually ascertain what they meant.

Are we to presume that this gentleman has concluded other business deals by baldly stating — on the golf course — to his potential partners “hey! it’s thirty euros more for the tits!” “oh yes, big boy, make me come” or even “yes! yes! yes! oh yes! yes! oh!” or similar.

Although I suppose this would then possibly explain why said businessman was seeking to conclude deals abroad, having completely weirded out any potential business partners in the more immediate vicinity…

This document describes how and why it has been necessary to replace the traditional mono-chronological method for determination of age.

It covers:-

• Mono-Chronological Age Determination — what is mono-chronological age determination, and what are the problems with it
• Objectives and metrics — potential alternatives and how these are to be calculated
• Risks and mitigation — potential risks associated with replacement of mono-chronological calculations
• Recommendation — formal recommendation for replacement of mono-chronological age determination

2. Mono-Chronological Age Determination

The traditional mono-chronological age determination is based on assessing how many years have elapsed since the date of your birth, and taking the count of elapsed years as your age.

If Sarah was born on 2nd August 1979, she would be:
2009 – 1979 = 30
…but until it has reached the day of her birth in that particular year, we need to deduct one, so as at 1st August 2009, she would only be 29.Example

This is the traditional model for mono-chronological age determination which is used in the Western world, but other age determination methods exist, such as East Asian age reckoning, which takes the time between conception and birth into account, and reckons children are born at age 1, and treats the date of the new year as the time when they age by one year, as opposed to a single specific ‘aging’ birthday per person.

Other systems are also in place — many people are familiar with the concept of “dog years” and use a simplified 1 to 7 calculation method for this, although a more accurate representation is slightly more complex:

The formula is: 10.5 dog years per human year for the first 2 years, then 4 dog years per human year for each year after.Online Conversion: Dog Years Calculator

Another one of the problems with the mono-chronological method is that all years are treated equally, irrespective of whether or not one year should be considered differently because different activities were carried out during the year, or because the year was somehow inherently “different”.

The phenomenon of time dilation relates to how ‘local time’ may differ between observers if they are travelling at different speeds. For example, time passes more slowly (relative to an observer under different conditions) for an observer in a gravitational field — such as proximity to a planet — but more commonly people are aware of the effects associated with high-velocity travel:

Time dilation would make it possible for passengers in a fast-moving vehicle to travel further into the future while aging very little, in that their great speed slows down the rate of passage of on-board time. That is, the ship’s clock (and according to relativity, any human travelling with it) shows less elapsed time than the clocks of observers on Earth. For sufficiently high speeds the effect is dramatic. For example, one year of travel might correspond to ten years at home. Indeed, a constant 1 g acceleration would permit humans to travel as far as light has been able to travel since the big bang (some 13.7 billion light years) in one human lifetime.Wikipedia: Time Dilation

The problem with mono-chronological age determination can be seen most easily under these conditions: if an astronaut was to return to earth billions of years after leaving, it would not be appropriate to describe their age as being billions of years old, as less time would have passed relative to them. Similarly, the mono-chronological aging calculation is based on earth’s solar year, and assumes that each year is constant, whereas the length of an astronomical year is actually increasing by about 1.25 microseconds per ‘year’, adding a certain degree of unreliability; in addition it is obvious that if humans were to colonise space it would be impractical and inappropriate to continue using a calculation method based on a far-flung planet’s solar year.

In addition, the mono-chronological age determination can result in discrimination, and can cause other problems as people with a mono-chronologically determined age may be felt of as “too young” or “too old” for a particular purpose, and indeed people may be upset or dislike their mono-chronological age determination. We therefore need to adopt a calculation method which is appropriate for the specific person, rather than use a mono-chronological calculation system which assumes that ‘one age fits all’.

3. Objectives and Metrics

The mono-chronological calculation method is based on Earth’s solar year, which as we have seen is impractical in the longer term because of the inherent limitation around Earth’s solar system and because the length of a year is not a constant.

The long-term solution must be therefore to describe a template age determination strategy which is appropriate to the individual and could be observed and measured locally as being the same at any particular point in space, or time, and would not differ based on the relative speed or gravitational field in which it was measured.

Potassium-40 will decay into Argon-40 with a half-life measured at around 50 billion (mono-chronological) years. This particularly long term decay makes this suitable for extremely long-term calculation methods. Furthermore, radioactive decay can be used to accurately establish how much local time has elapsed. If each person were to carry around a particularly stored sample of Postassim-40 since their birth, their own personal age could be calculated at any time.

ratio of the amount of 40Ar to 40K is taken a being directly related to the time elapsed since the rock was cool enough to trap the Ar by the following equation:
Wikipedia: Potassium-Argon Dating

Because ‘age’ is traditionally associated with the solar year, we need therefore to calculate and measure the level of radioactive decay which would be associated with a single solar year, and then standardise based on this level of decay so that a year can be measured for the individual correctly irrespective of their locale or velocity.

There are some problems with this: while the long half-life means that the measurement of age can be extremely specific over longer periods of time, but instruments are not currently be specific enough to measure the levels of decay over considerably shorter periods of time — over a human lifespan. This is therefore the calculation method which should be used when technology is sufficiently advanced to allow this measurement.

Until this time however it is important to establish a age calculation which is appropriate to the individual. It is not therefore always possible for each aging template to be appropriate to everyone, but I have designed some aging calculation methods which may be appropriate for different times.

Age Calculation 1: East Asian (Appropriate From Birth)

This method is appropriate until age 20 and is based on the East Asian Age reckoning, where a person is reckoned to be 1 year old at birth, aging a further year every time there is a New Year (because this is based on a solar year, this system is not appropriate for calculations off-Earth). The main advantage of this method is for the people in this age group, who would therefore be legally able to purchase alcohol between 1 and 2 years earlier than they would be able using the traditional mono-chronological method.

Age Calculation 2: Mono-Chronological Solar (Appropriate From 20-29)

Once you have been calculated as being 20 years old using East Asian Age reckoning, you would then need to shift temporarily to standard mono-chronological aging. This would then take you from 18 or 19 through to the age of 29.

Age Calculation 3: Gravitationally Adjusted Mono-Chronological Solar (Appropriate From 30-54)

To reflect the fact that you have now spent a longer period of time in a gravitational field which has a time dilatory effect, it is appropriate to discount a certain percentage of solar years from this count. In this case, the ‘leap year’ is a convenient and effective method as it is not a proper year anyway. Here the calculation is based on the number of solar years which you have lived, not counting leap years.

A person born in 1975 would have encountered leap years in 1976, 1980, 1984, 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, 2004 and 2008, and therefore in 2009 would be ((2009 – 1975) – 9) = 25 years oldExample

When you have reached 54 years old using this calculation, this is approximately the equivalent to 72 years using the mono-chronological calculation method.

Method 4: Gravitationally Further Adjusted Mono-Chronological Solar (54 onward)

Once you have been counted as 54 using the Gravitationally Adjusted Mono-Chronological Solar method, it is appropriate to take account for the additional gravitational effects you will have experienced, and so he the method of discounting leap years is reversed, and the age calculation is based solely on the number of incidences of the 29th February which you have lived through. For example, someone born in 1933 C.E. would have lived (as at August 2009) through 19 incidences of February 29th, and therefore would be 19 ‘years’ old using the Gravitationally Further Adjusted Mono-Chronological Solar method.

4. Risks and Mitigation

There are no overall risks with this system, although each individual may have specific concerns about their method. For example, some people may allege that an individual has determined to use a specific calculation method simply because they are unhappy with the result of their mono-chronologically determined age. In these situations, explaining the problems with this method of age calculation and the potential benefits of the alternatives may well be sufficient to ameliorate these problems.

A second issue that users of the Gravitationally Adjusted methods may wish to consider is the effect upon certain issues such as car insurance (usually cheaper if you are calculated to be 25 or over) and the effect upon pension payments, which are normally not payable until a minimum age of 60. Each individual should therefore carefully assess which calculation method is most appropriate to themselves as an individual. [This may also help reduce the problems of the 'credit crunch' as there may be scope for experienced individuals to provide consultancy in this area].

5. Recommendation

The recommendation is to replace the inherently flawed mono-chronological method of age calculation as soon as possible. The ideal replacement would be to provide users with sealed samples of Potassium-40 rock at birth, and ensure that these users keep the sample with them at all times, in order to allow the measurement of the radioactive decay to Argon-40 and determine the local age of that person.

However, until the practical issues related to this can be overcome — accurate measurement of small amounts of radioactive decay over a human lifetime; methods of obtaining and appropriately sealing Potassium-40 loaded rock — it may be more appropriate to use a variety of different calculations, as provided above, based upon your calculated age and apply the appropriate gravitational adjustment.

6. Further Consultation

This document is a consultation document issued in DRAFT. No assumptions should be drawn that any of these methods will be formally or legally adopted at this stage. Comments are sought to improve the calculation methods and ensure that we have wide consensus approval of the gravitationally adjusted methods before seeking formal approval.

I’ve deliberately chosen the post ‘Social Media Advisor’ because I feel it’s an area which Reynholm Industries need some more advice and support. They are not accessing the full potential of social media, and have even blocked employees from accessing sites such as Friendface.

Obviously, in most circumstances, I cannot condone or advise logging into things where you don’t have a valid account, but Reynholm Industries is a notable exception. Those of you who know Reynholm Industries will know why. For those of you who don’t, I’d advise checking out the documentary fly-on-the-wall series set in Reynholm Industries.

UPDATE: for those of you coming here searching for the Reynholm Industries intranet password, I’m not going to tell you. I will however give you a clue. It is through the legendary Maurice Moss that you will find what you seek.

“George,” said the editor, “I’ve got an unusual assignment for you. I’ve heard that the old Mustrum House building is haunted, and I need you to get some photographs of the spook for a feature I’m planning. Get over there tonight!”

So George, more than a little apprehensive — he wasn’t sure whether he’d be more scared of encountering the ghost or of not seeing anything and returning to his volatile editor without the requisite photographs — made his way to Mustrum House late that evening.

Almost as soon as he opened the creaking door to the long-abandoned house, he saw a strange light dancing along at the end of the corridor. Steeling himself and venturing over, he discovered what could only have been the ghost of the original Baron Mustrum, holding his head under one arm.

The ghost started to glide slowly towards him, and in a panic George blurted out “I’m a photographer! From the local paper! I just need to take some pictures…”

Much to his suprise, the ghost stopped in its tracks and waited. Over the next twenty minutes, without ever making a sound, the ghost followed his instructions to the letter and posed for a remarkable series of shots: walking through a wall on cue, carefully placing his head on top of the severed neck and removing it again. Eventually, thanking the ghost profusely, he made his way home.

However, when he came to upload the photos to the company server the following morning, he was shocked to discover that all of the photos were dark and dull, and you could hardly make out the ghost of Baron Mustrum at all.

The editor was furious. “What’s the meaning of this? You’ve got some photos — and you’ve got the ghost in some quite remarkable poses — but the pictures are so dark as to be unusable!”

“I know.” sighed George. “The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak…”

When the bag re-appeared for his appointment the following Thursday, the doctor sat him down in a chair in his office, and said, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. The blood tests show that clotting factor VIII is absent — you have type A haemophilia.”

“Haemophilia? How can I possibly have haemophilia? I’m a brown paper bag!”

“Well, yes,” says the doctor “…but it would appear your mother was a carrier.”

That’s interesting, I thought. Another local government personage who has come across my site, taking me up to a grand total of at least um … two … councillors I know who look at my site, and er… some other local government people. Which, I reckoned, probably makes me about as widely read as Directgov.

Until of course I actually investigated Councillor Brody in a little more detail:

I am Jack Brody, local councillor of no fixed party. I work in the Greater Manchester Rochdale remit area and I am fond of biscuits. I am a people person, as long as they are respectable people, like me. [...] I always have the interests of my constituents at heart. It’s just sometimes their interests and my interests don’t match. I am a man to whom fear has no meaning. I just don’t know what it means. About Councillor Jack Brody

As I was reading this, I was thinking “is it really appropriate for a local councillor to be saying these sort of things? couldn’t he get into trouble for this?”. And “what does he mean, no fixed party?”

Until of course there was a dawning realisation that Councillor Jack Brody was of course a spoof, at which point I started to find the whole thing somewhat reminiscent of DPM’s Diary (Computer Weekly’s take on life at Bogcaster City Council). I would possibly have arrived at this realisation somewhat earlier if I had actually read his posts first, rather than simply his about page…

For example, there’s the post about the Beijing Olympics…

The closing ceremony was absolutely spectacular. It reminded me of Rochdale high street on a Saturday night, only more oriental, and with slightly less fighting.Jack Brody’s Funky Junket

Or there’s the post about policing at the G20…

There has been some hoo-hah and a bit of furore in the press of late about the police continuing to be over-zealous and up to untoward shenanigans. Now, we have to remember that the police do a very difficult job in sometimes dire circumstances, so if they want to beat unarmed protestors about the chops once in a while, who are we to stop them? Every job needs its perks.

I am getting a little fed up of some people saying that we are living in a police state. If I hear another person say that I will have them arrested and throw away the key!

Police Release Me (Let Me Go!)

Of course, to people actually deceived by Councillor Jack Brody — with comments also appearing on the likes of this is london, they might see him as a hoaxer. This however is just a standard reaction to people falling for this sort of thing. It’s simply a spoof (particularly since there is no Rochdale councillor actually called Jack Brody), and an entertaining spoof at that.

So if you want to see life through the eyes of an independent Rochdale councillor, you could do a lot worse than to take a wander over to Councillor Jack Brody’s site and have a read up. Just don’t take it too seriously, is all…